I don't usually talk about the intimate details of my love life, or vent to a large group of people about boy trouble or heartache. I feel it's unprofessional, and that people see me as weak. But in this case, for this thing that's been weighing on my heart like a two-ton stone from the Western Wall, I need to vent.
When Jason and I returned from India, we arranged a weekend in Herzliyah where we'd go up a day early to have some time alone, and then our friends would join us the following day for movies, Shabbat dinner, and fun.
We decided to finally discuss the fate of our relationship. In the back of my mind I really knew how it would - no, how it should - happen. We decided to end our relationship when year course ended. There was too much between us and yet not enough, and after we discussed we sat on the electric blue couch in silence. I curled up to his shoulder, and we cried bitterly for almost an hour. We had silences, a few of which I filled with morbid little jokes, causing Jason to hug me tighter - "Don't say that, please don't say that, Maddie." After it all, we were too drained to go out to dinner like we usually did in Herzliyah. We cooked white rice and filled our cereal bowls, and lay on the white shaggy carpet watching whatever was on television.
I vaguely remember trudging to bed, curling up tightly and facing the wall. My eyes dripped quietly into the white feather pillow as I drifted off to sleep. When I awakened the next morning I felt deaf. Everything was still. I felt like nothing had ever happened before that moment, and then I remembered the evening before. My mind spun with explanations: I had a few emotional meltdowns during the year. I'm moody and standoffish, and endlessly stubborn and proud. I got angry at his friends - our friends - and offended easily. Had I pushed him away? Had he outgrown me? Had the charm dissipated? Would this be the end of my great fortune with amazingly kind, loving, nerdy boyfriends?
Our friends arrived that Friday morning. I greeted them all with smiles and embraces. There were twelve of us, I believe, and not nearly enough beds to hold them all.
Twenty minutes after they all arrived, around noon, I felt sad again. Hopeless. I crept up to the bedroom and lay down again. Jason came in a few minutes later, and seeing me, knew what was wrong. Later on those of us that would be cooking went to Herzliyah's Arena (ah-wren-ah) mall grocery store to buy ingredients for our grand Shabbat dinner.
After a lovely Shabbat meal and an abbreviated clean-up, a few of us walked the mile or so along the highway to Cinema City to see the new Star Trek movie. It was fantastic.
The next morning we woke up early and walked back to Cinema City to see X-Men: Origins, which was laughably dramatic. When it ended, feeling rather giddy after the energy suck of Friday, I turned to Jason and said, "Let's see it again. Let's see Star Trek on the big, BIG screen."
"Really? It's not cheap. We saw it last night."
"Let's see it again!"
So we did, and headed back to Jerusalem later that night.
So many times since that discussion in May I've wanted to be angry. I did get angry a few times and acted on it, and then felt terrible afterward. I wanted to have the Ani DiFranco f--- you mentality that I knew a Righteous Babe scorned should have, but I couldn't. You know it, Jas. I can't hate you, even if I feel a little broken. You were my very best friend. We are similar. We were too close. Five months later I'm finally pushing regret and anger out of my head. There's still an ache in my chest, and sometimes a lump in my throat. But I'm a busy girl, and I'm a strong woman. As Sondre Lerche reminds me in his music, I'll Be Okay.
It was one of the most emotionally draining experiences I've ever had, and I missed not having my mom and my girlfriends to hug me and tell me it would all work out.
but I'm getting there.
p.s. the end of my Year Course Experience + the end of Rwanda posts + random thoughts coming soon.
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